Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Making the List!

I never thought the day would come. For four months we worked on our profile, went to training classes, doctors appointments and everything else in between. I never thought that just getting on the list would be such a long process. Of course I was gung-ho on getting it done and our case worker said that we were pretty quick. On March 15th 2011 we were posted on the LDS Family Services Adoption website. Just 4 days shy of the four month mark. I remember being so stressed most of the time (poor Jared). I wanted to be on that list as quick as possible and did everything I could to make it happen. I poured out my heart and soul onto this profile page all the while thinking...Is this good enough? Maybe we should say this, or do this. Oh man! I was second guessing everything. (If you read my previous post, this post may give a hint to what I was feeling at the time).
Our Home Study was the scariest part. They walked through our home and made sure we had a plan in place. I was so nervous. We went over our profile as well and they suggested we update a few things. As they were leaving our case worker said that it would be about 4 to 6 weeks before the paperwork would be completed and then at that time she will present us to the board who will approve or deny our request to be on the list. And when they left I had this awful feeling that it didn't go well.
To my surprise, our case worker emailed exactly a week later saying that she was done with the paperwork and once she hears back from us with the 'Okay' she will present us to the board that following Monday. I was so excited! Jared and I made a few updates to our profile and gave her the Go Ahead.
Monday we were approved and posted on the website the following day. When I got the email that we were on the website, you'll laugh but I had a little "freak out" moment. It was actually real. We are finally on the list! And I was worried! Oh My Gosh! Someone could actually call us at any time. This is just crazy! I checked our profile daily, sometimes more, to see how many views to our pages we were getting. I checked our adoption email constantly. I'm happy to say that I've relaxed a bit. I haven't check our profile or our email in a few days, though I have it set up to notify me if we do. I guess this is the calm before the storm. Come on storm! We're waiting for you.

If you know someone who is considering adoption as an option. Send them to an LDS Family Services location. The case workers are not there to pressure adoption. They are there to give all the options and support the mother in her decision whatever it may be.
If you want to look at our profile you can click here. No using this information against us :) Heather and Joey already invited us over for games. Sheesh!

Monday, March 7, 2011

how will you be judged?

We go through life constantly judging and being judged. I sit at my computer eating cookies and considering that maybe popcorn would have been a better choice. I'm judging myself for eating the cookies and having the gall to consider popcorn as a later treat.
Why do we judge? Why do we have to be judged? Why can't we be accepted for who we are? Fat, skinny, tall or short? Who cares? ...Me. I care. I care what people say and think about me. I've experienced extreme judgment and felt proud and accomplished and how I presented myself but at the same time nit picked for not having those same qualities as those who were deemed "better". I'm judged and I judge.
I hate that not good enough feeling. It doesn't matter how hard I try but some days I just can't shake the feeling. Asking myself what can I do to make things better. I do everything I believe to be true but still its there. I smile, laugh, but not like I used to. I want to old me back. Carefree, funny, optimistic.
Everyday we share our lives out in the world. Post whatever we are thinking or feeling or questioning at the time. I do it. But until it means something, I mean really means something, thats when you have the sick feeling that you're just not good enough. No matter what you do. No matter what you say. You will never live up.
So please, someone, accept me for who I am. Don't feel sorry for me because I'm not like you. Don't remind me everyday of my inadequacies (whether you mean to or not). I know them already. Take those things you have and celebrate. Why waste time complaining? Please! For my sake! Just celebrate so I can take my own advice. So I can move on and celebrate the things I do have in my life. We all have those things that others don't so we better not take them for granted. Celebrate them!

Naughty Delilah

Naughty Delilah
Making a mess

Naughty Dexter

Naughty Dexter
Helping with the mess