Saturday, June 18, 2011

If you haven't heard...

Its amazing to think how quickly our lives can change and lead us where we never imagined. I feel that this has always been how my life has played out. Proof, the last two weeks for Jared and I have been hectic to say the least. But we are so grateful for this opportunity to adopt a beautiful baby girl. Most of the time I have felt like I'm just passing through this experience and I haven't had much time to think. I've wrapped myself up in the preparations and not left much time to think. I believe its better that way for me. If I just do and not think then maybe I'll be able to handle the situation that is before me. My emotions have been raw and uncontrollable (I am usually really good at controlling them). I didn't think I had any tears left in me. I've cried over so many things the last two weeks. Excitement, worry, exhaustion, stress, anxiety, COMMERCIALS! Seriously?!
I am here to give an update.
Mother's Day 2011 was the worst day of my life. Mother's Day for the past 5 years have always been difficult but this year seemed to be the worst. Without realizing it, I believe I was close to my breaking point. Just waiting for that last straw to fall. When my baby sister announced she was having grandchild #7 I had a rush of emotions. I was devastated. Isn't it the natural order of things to have kids before your younger siblings do? Well, not in my case. And I'm sure that's not the case in many situations but that's part of what I was going through. I thought I'd prepared myself for when the moment came. I knew that it would happen eventually. I guess I was wrong. Needless to say I was a mess for a few weeks. Literally depressed. And I do not use that word lightly. It bothers me when people do. I can't express how thankful I am to have Jared. He is always there to make me laugh and pull me out of my rut.
The day after Mother's Day Jared called The Adoption Center of Choice (ACC) to see about signing up with them. We were currently already signed up with LDS Family Services but no bites yet. Our case worker emailed us some information to fill out and within 3 weeks he called and asked if he could show us to a birth mother. This was the Thursday before Memorial weekend. Of course we said yes and he emailed her our profile (along with a few others) the next day. We went camping that weekend and I tried to keep myself distracted on other things but this mother-to-be was always in the back of my mind. Tuesday came and went with no news. Wednesday came and I got the best news of my life. Our case worker called me at 10:20 am to tell me that the birth mother had picked us and that she felt like she was going into labor (false alarm). He talked about a few other things but I don't remember at all. My mind was stuck on "She selected you and Jared!"
So the last two weeks have pretty much all mushed together and became all one big long day. I've been busy cleaning out my office for the baby room. Washing/drying, folding and organizing baby clothes. (Thanks Heather for helping me).
Her due date came and went and still no baby. She was scheduled to be induced on Wednesday the 15th but at her checkup the doctor did not feel comfortable with starting her. We found this out on our drive. We were half way between Denver and Colorado Springs. There was no way we were going to turn around and go home.
The current plan is to scrape her membranes (separate the sac from the uterine wall) on Sunday and if that does not trigger the labor then he will induce her on Monday. So that's where we are at. Hanging out in our hotel in Colorado Springs waiting for this unborn child (who has no name yet). We've been able to see a few new places. Colorado Springs is really a beautiful place.

I'll update with more info when I get it...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Making the List!

I never thought the day would come. For four months we worked on our profile, went to training classes, doctors appointments and everything else in between. I never thought that just getting on the list would be such a long process. Of course I was gung-ho on getting it done and our case worker said that we were pretty quick. On March 15th 2011 we were posted on the LDS Family Services Adoption website. Just 4 days shy of the four month mark. I remember being so stressed most of the time (poor Jared). I wanted to be on that list as quick as possible and did everything I could to make it happen. I poured out my heart and soul onto this profile page all the while thinking...Is this good enough? Maybe we should say this, or do this. Oh man! I was second guessing everything. (If you read my previous post, this post may give a hint to what I was feeling at the time).
Our Home Study was the scariest part. They walked through our home and made sure we had a plan in place. I was so nervous. We went over our profile as well and they suggested we update a few things. As they were leaving our case worker said that it would be about 4 to 6 weeks before the paperwork would be completed and then at that time she will present us to the board who will approve or deny our request to be on the list. And when they left I had this awful feeling that it didn't go well.
To my surprise, our case worker emailed exactly a week later saying that she was done with the paperwork and once she hears back from us with the 'Okay' she will present us to the board that following Monday. I was so excited! Jared and I made a few updates to our profile and gave her the Go Ahead.
Monday we were approved and posted on the website the following day. When I got the email that we were on the website, you'll laugh but I had a little "freak out" moment. It was actually real. We are finally on the list! And I was worried! Oh My Gosh! Someone could actually call us at any time. This is just crazy! I checked our profile daily, sometimes more, to see how many views to our pages we were getting. I checked our adoption email constantly. I'm happy to say that I've relaxed a bit. I haven't check our profile or our email in a few days, though I have it set up to notify me if we do. I guess this is the calm before the storm. Come on storm! We're waiting for you.

If you know someone who is considering adoption as an option. Send them to an LDS Family Services location. The case workers are not there to pressure adoption. They are there to give all the options and support the mother in her decision whatever it may be.
If you want to look at our profile you can click here. No using this information against us :) Heather and Joey already invited us over for games. Sheesh!

Monday, March 7, 2011

how will you be judged?

We go through life constantly judging and being judged. I sit at my computer eating cookies and considering that maybe popcorn would have been a better choice. I'm judging myself for eating the cookies and having the gall to consider popcorn as a later treat.
Why do we judge? Why do we have to be judged? Why can't we be accepted for who we are? Fat, skinny, tall or short? Who cares? ...Me. I care. I care what people say and think about me. I've experienced extreme judgment and felt proud and accomplished and how I presented myself but at the same time nit picked for not having those same qualities as those who were deemed "better". I'm judged and I judge.
I hate that not good enough feeling. It doesn't matter how hard I try but some days I just can't shake the feeling. Asking myself what can I do to make things better. I do everything I believe to be true but still its there. I smile, laugh, but not like I used to. I want to old me back. Carefree, funny, optimistic.
Everyday we share our lives out in the world. Post whatever we are thinking or feeling or questioning at the time. I do it. But until it means something, I mean really means something, thats when you have the sick feeling that you're just not good enough. No matter what you do. No matter what you say. You will never live up.
So please, someone, accept me for who I am. Don't feel sorry for me because I'm not like you. Don't remind me everyday of my inadequacies (whether you mean to or not). I know them already. Take those things you have and celebrate. Why waste time complaining? Please! For my sake! Just celebrate so I can take my own advice. So I can move on and celebrate the things I do have in my life. We all have those things that others don't so we better not take them for granted. Celebrate them!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Family Pictures November 2010

We had our family pictures done recently. I asked my sister to do them because she's so awesome! She took a lot of pictures (Dexter and Delilah would not cooperate). We had a lot of fun and I'm so excited that she made us look cuter then we are ha-ha. I've also posted more pictures on my Facebook page.

Check her out at

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A Few Pictures

Since I haven't posted in a while I thought it best to do a quick update with pictures....

This is the only picture we took on our 4 day Howard Family Reunion in August. Silly!

Jared's Birthday present from me. It came with 4 free guitar lessons. Pretty cool!

Who are these weirdo's?

Jared and our nephew Finnley who was born on his brothers birthday, September 14th!

Peeping Tomette! Silly Delilah spying on the neighbors.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Cut Down

Bar-height dining sets are quite popular right now. Six years ago when we shopped for a dining set, we thought that we'd really like one too. However, after the magic wore off and reality set in, we found out that we really don't like it. It's really impractical. Try scooting your chair in and out; can't. Have a small child sit in it; kind of dangerous. The design of the table we bought has seating for eight, but it's really impossible to do so. Fitting two chairs on one side leaves no room in between the table legs and chairs, and thus you're stuck sitting there.

So we've disliked the table for a few years now. Instead of buying another one, I told Candace that I'm just going to cut down the legs. And so I did.

(Looks like we need to do some dusting now. Usually the extra chairs are put downstairs and out of the way when they're not used.)

So initially and even still now, we are in shock. We think it looks like a table for kids, but before cutting it we went to RC Willey and measured tables and chairs, and our end result is even 1/2 inch taller. I think we are just not used to it now. So when the dust clears, I think we'll like the table again.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The last few weeks have been a wild ride...

I'm sure Jared feels the same way as I do. I've been posting a few comments on Facebook about our In Vitro journey so far but thought it would be best to save the details for my blog.

My OB, who worked for 3 1/2 years to try and get us pregnant, referred Jared and I to Dr. Hatasaka at the Reproductive Care Center (RCC) here in Salt Lake City for our In Vitro options. I guess technically they are located in Sandy but whose checking. We met with Dr. Hatasaka in March 2010 and spoke for over an hour about our situation and options etc. We felt pretty good about trying In Vitro and decided to start saving our $$$ for the procedure. One unique feature about RCC is they have a 100% Money Back Guarantee plan. Really? A What? Yup! Its true. A Guarantee! That's music to my ears. You pay a base price of about $22,000 and get up to 4 In Vitro cycles within 2 years. This does not include the medication though. Now with every contract there will be qualifications so there are a series of tests that must be done and if the results are ideal then you can qualify and sign the contract. There is also no payment option for this plan other than once the contact is signed the money is due in full. I REALLY wanted to have that guarantee so we decided to wait. RCC wanted to see where I was at with some blood tests. Results: Sorta bad eggs but still workable for In Vitro. Awesome!

Waiting. That ranks in the top 10 of my "Hard Things To Do" list. I hear all the time "Just don't think about it". I know all those who I have heard this from only mean well and have nothing but good intensions but unless you have gone through this experience you really have no idea how hard it is to forget. To forget a dream to have a child. To forget a goal to raise good children. To forget mother natures natural instinct. Its not easy. I have a lot of love to give and I'm sure Jared is tired of being smothered.
Jared has more patients than anyone I've ever met. He is my strength and the only reason I've survived this long.
So four months later I decided we needed to take the tests to see if we would even qualify for the Money Back plan. After a baseline ultrasound, clomid challenge test and 2 blood tests we found out that I have another cyst growing on my right ovary, my estrogen level is really high and my eggs are getting worse. How is this possible you ask? Well heck if I know. But with all that, my doctor signed the ok for us to move forward with the Money Back plan. I was excited!

We were planning on waiting to sign the contact in January but with my eggs gradually getting worse and me feeling like time was running out I wanted to get it signed and get moving on the procedure. I think its a reasonable thought, don't you?

Well, finally day 1 of my cycle came around and I called the office to get things moving. I thought "FINALLY! Its actually going to happen." I started to get a little excited which I normally hold in reserve just in case something falls through. The nurse called me back and explained that there has been a miscommunication and that I did NOT qualify for the Money Back plan because of the cyst on my ovary AND my high estrogen levels. Dang that stupid cyst that caused my estrogen to rise!!!!! I'm starting to really feel the STRESS!! She asked if we would come in the office to discuss some options with the doctor who wrote the contract.
So we did...
I felt a thousand times better after talking to him! He answered our questions and laid out our options to us. Which included that pesky word. WAIT. He examined my ovaries and measured the cyst. It measured half the size from the previous month. Which means its going away on its own and quickly. What a relief. He said it should be gone in a month or two. Then we would test again. If the cyst is gone then we can sign the contract and move forward! MOVE FORWARD! Its about stinkin' time. I guess we'll see how the tests go next month! I won't be holding my breath.

Naughty Delilah

Naughty Delilah
Making a mess

Naughty Dexter

Naughty Dexter
Helping with the mess